He kissed a someone with a penis
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it was like having sex with a tree stump
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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