Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
