she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
