Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Randomize
