3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
