I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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