I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
