We're like a lot better than the average bears
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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