im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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