shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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