dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
