The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
