I heard we made out
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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