Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize