I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
