Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I intend to get homeless drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
