omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
