The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize