I feel great
I just peed on a car
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
