Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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