im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
