I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I want her autograph on my taint
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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