Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
birth control should be required to get into college
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
