You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
