I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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