she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
