1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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