This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
