Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
