All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
