There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
