he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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