The maid of honor just puked.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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