So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
