God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize