this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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