So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
