If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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