Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
