dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
