please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
