I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Are my feet made of real feet?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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