Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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