I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
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