my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
