I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
