im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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