The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
