dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
