i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
