i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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