there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
