I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize