Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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