just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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