He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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