Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
