hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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